Excerpt from my upcoming book:
In My Beginning…
When I look back on my childhood up until now, I see an ongoing trend. Evil forces, negative energy fields, demons, whatever you want to call them, work to push me down, to smother me, to shut me up, to isolate me, to cover me up, and to bully me. All to make me feel as though I am powerless with no hope. And every time I believe its lies, I forget who I am and whose I am. As soon as I cave into the devil’s tactics and wicked schemes, I get in the same exact space of powerlessness and hopelessness. Finally, causing me to feel defeated. All because of one belief- I have no strength to fight, I am weak.
I heard this pastor talk about this childhood game he loved to play. Him and a bunch of kids would race to this flagpole, to see whose fastest. He would imagine himself racing to the top of a mountain. He won every time, not because he was faster. But his love to one day be on top of a mountain is what fueled those brisk little feet with fire. After he told this story, I started to think about my first childhood game with other kids. And my memory bank pulled out first, a negative experience that I totally forgot about. Actually, I hadn’t thought of that incident for so long that it surprised me when it popped up. I had three or four cousins pile on top of me and tickle me. Because of their weight on my back, I panicked. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was suffocating, all while being tickled. And while they laughed, I tried to scream. This recollection is so real that I tense up every time I think about it. My respirations increase and my mood changes to a lowly state. It’s just more proof that there is a part of my mind that knows and believes more than I realize. Since we are shaped by our childhood experiences, I do want to learn from them. I want to somehow change the stories left in my unconscious mind that cause fear. I don’t want to carry over any negative energies and lies over onto my children.
During my quest for truth, I mourned over the little girl in me that was taught secrets. I understood her pain and why she chose to cover my heart. But, she wasn’t allowing anything good to enter. So much so, she was killing me, literally. It was time to release her, not suppress but say good-bye, farewell, adios Amiga. And then she was gone, just like that. Like Maya Angelou said, “I had to set the caged bird free.”
Afterwards, I hungered for righteousness because my beginnings of childhood were sinful. I yearned for the same purity in a newborn baby, the first glance at a new love, or even true love’s first kiss. I thirsted to be the woman, mother, daughter, sister, nurse, neighbor, advocate, friend, author, teacher, niece, cousin, mentor, writer, encourager, poet, leader, minister, and runner that God created me to be. I craved Sheyda. And here I am!